Ok...THERE! I've Said It....

...it's overwhelming. Ok, I've said it. I've always prided myself in being able to handle everything that life throws at me, but being a parent is really hard work! I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world to have experienced this, but sometimes I just feel like I am and that I'm a bad parent. I know that it probably sounds like I'm just having a pity party today, but I honestly really don't want pity. I guess I just want to vent. I know deep down I'm doing the best that I can and that I'm just being hard on myself, but sometimes, I just feel like...well......a failure. Ok, I've said it.
When we first met Keira in China, Dan and I knew that with everything being so new and overwhelming for her, it was not the time to be disciplining. It was enough that she had to go through everything that she did, so we spent more of the time just letting her adjust. She pretty much got everything she wanted and pointed at. If she didn't feel like doing something that we knew she was supposed to do, well, she didn't have to. The result? A VERY happy, smiling, cooing baby. Well, when we got home, reality set in and sometimes she's just not going to get everything that she wants. Now granted, I understand that there is only so much negotiation and reasoning that you can do with a 14 month old. I'm trying to be very self-concious of not being too strict, but if she wants to stick her finger in a light socket or wants to take my car keys and throw them down the drainage ditch at the curb---there comes a time when mom has to say.....no! That's when it happens....the screaming. Not just a LITTLE scream...but a blood curdling scream like I just reached into her chest and tore her heart out. It makes me feel HORRIBLE! Granted, she still smiles, laughs and points "Ooh!" at things that fascinate her, but it just seems lately that she does SO much more of that SCREAMING than the smiling and laughing that she once did. It's usually because she wants something that is a big no. She is a very curious little one and wants to be into everything, but when I don't let her be into EVERYTHING (mind you, I do let her explore as long as it is not a danger to her or us)...out comes the scream. It makes me feel like a horrible mother and a bad person.
When I read things from the adoption or parenting boards, everyone talks about their children like they are absolute angels that never cry and there are never any problems or issues. So what am I doing wrong??? Is it just that people only talk about the good things, but don't talk about the bad? Or am I really doing something wrong? I feel kind of torn in knowing that you have to teach your children discipline, but also knowing that you have to be self concious of the needs that a newly adopted child may have that is a little different. I just want to be a good parent with a happy, well adjusted child that loves me, has fun with me, but also will respect what I say and grow up to be a well adjusted adult without thinking that her mom was a failure in raising her... that's all. Ok...pity party is over :)

Doctors and Lullabies

I forgot to mention that Keira had a doctor's appointment yesterday with Dr. Stein. Of course she charmed the pants off of everyone, although, not enough to avoid a few shots. The dr. said that I probably don't need to worry about the huge battery of tests until our insurance kicks in about a month from now. She looks healthy and checks out great in all of her vitals. She did get a few shot for things that he said would be possible issues that we would need to worry about now (Tetanus etc) as well as a Hemoglobin test which came out just fine.

Last night, she slept most of the night, but did wake up at 1, 2 and 5 in the am. Not too bad. It kind of reminds me of the days when I was Outage Managing at work during the on-call night shifts. You sleep if you are able to with a pager by your ear scared that you might miss the next call that comes in. This time, however, it's a baby monitor by your head and a crying baby at the other end. She is very easy though and I know that I'm very lucky. Usually when she wakes up, it's because she wants her bottle, which I will give her and she' out again a few minutes later. It's just the waking up part that's hard.

Today, Keira and I went to the Carlsbad Outlet Mall. I bought her a cute sun hat from Baby Gap, a belt for Dan from Kenneth Cole and a squishy ball and lullaby CD in The Right Stuff. On the way home, I decided to listen to the lullaby CD to see how the songs were. Keira was babbling and singing along. I stopped at a stoplight and next thing I know, I fell asleep for a minute! I looked in the backseat, and so had she! At least I can say that the CD definitely works. I was home about 5 minutes later and she woke up and although she was obviously VERY sleepy, she was really fighting it. Uh oh... if she was going to take a nap, it needed to be NOW so that she would be up in a good enough time for her to be up.....before having to go to sleep for the night- Did that make any sense? Anyway, she fought and fought and fought it--sleepy eyes, yawning and all. She fought it so much that now it was too late for her to take a nap. She ended up staying up until about 7:30pm to HOPEFULLY stay down for the night. We all tried everything. Mom even took her outside in her harness to walk around and get her tired, but she just wasn't having it. Well...she's asleep now. Hopefully it lasts the night! Pictures are of Dan and Keira spending Daddy and baby time together on Daddy's chair. She was already really tired, but wanted to stay up (she's kissing her Hello Kitty toy we call "Baby".) The other picture is of Lola walking her around in her "walking wings". Jackson is unimpressed as you can see.

"The Rockstar Lifestyle"

One of the members of an Adoption board that I read called the timeshift from China to backhome "The Rockstar Lifestyle". Basically, although there isn't a whole lot of partying going on, there sure is alot of staying up until 3 in the morning! Keira's (as well as our's) body clock has still been in China leaving her wide awake at night ready to play. Dan and I have been trying everything to get her to sleep through the night. We know it's possible! She did it while we were in China! Well, last night was the first successful night. She only woke up once at 1am and wanted her bottle, but other than that, she slept like...well....like a baby! I'm hoping that the trend continues for tonight, although, I was not successful in keeping her awake and she's out cold right now. I think I'm going to try to get her back up in about 30 minutes or so so that she will be sleepy in a few hours again. Any words of wisdom from those parents out there that have been there done that on getting your kids to sleep through the night at her age? I'm posting pictures of her new "walking wings" which allows her to walk around with us not getting horrible backpain from having to bend over the entire time. Also, there are pictures or her playing with her toy from some of the gang from work. She LOVES this thing!

New Toys and Pictures

Things have been such a whirlwind when we got back, I didn't get to thank everyone for all of the new gifts that arrived while we were in China! Auntie Christine, Uncle Todd, Cousins Fallon and Aria sent Keira some beautiful flowers as a welcome back! Auntie Bee and Uncle Mike sent her a new stroller which she loves to stroll around in, Auntie Gigi and Cousin Max sent the collection of Baby Einstein dvds as well as some Hello Kitty and Connie from St. Louis sent a baby changing pad and some great toys! Thank you so much also to everyone that has sent all of the wonderful presents for Keira. We can't thank all of you enough. Keira has been trying to sing the song from the "3 Little Monkeys Jumping On the Bed" toy that Connie sent and Dan put together the stroller and exersaucer today. She is having such a ball!

We have our fingers crossed that tonight will finally be the night since we got back that she will sleep through the night on Pacific time as opposed to still being on China time. Wish us luck!

Here are a few pictures. Auntie Lorraine came by tonight and crawled around with Keira and Jackson. Also a picture of Dan brushing her 8 teeth and Keira playing with her new Monkey toy! Thank again everyone!!!

Home at Last!

Hi All!

Well, we're back home finally! It was a very long plane ride home with Keira wanting to bounce, roll, laugh scream and play with everything in sight for about 8 hours of the 10 1/2 hour first leg of the flight. Dan and I didn't get much sleep obviously and neither did she. Lola (my mom) and Auntie Lorraine were there at LAX to meet us and confessed that they were a little worried that Keira might not bond with them right away. Boy were THEY ever wrong! She was sleeping at first until I put her in the carseat. Right then she started smiling and laughing with both of them. Once we were in the house, she had a great time playing with both of them and walking around with both of their help. I wish had took more pictures, but I was so out of it and tired. It was so wonderful to have both of them here to help out with watching and playing with Keira while Dan got to take a nap and I was able to take care of some things. They gave her a bath and she loved it---as a matter of fact, she didn't want to get out of the bathtub. She was down by about 5:30 and although I thought she was going to be down for the night, she ended up waking up a few hours later. UGH....Jetlag will do that to you, huh? Dan stayed up with her until about 2:30am when she FINALLY went to sleep. She just wanted to stay up and point to the nightlight Joyce gave to her for the baby shower and look at all of her clothes in the closet. It starts already, huh?
This morning I spent HOURS struggling with HR from work and Kaiser about getting medical coverage started for her. It is an ugly, vicious cycle. HR originally told me that if I call in and fax them the information, they can get her coverage, but starting on the 1st of the month the following month that I bring her home. I checked things out and called them back and informed them that legally they had to start her insurance right away. Oops! Sorry for the mistake, yes, I was right, the coverage would start right away. Hmm...interesting...
Well, apparently the way that it works is that they will cover her immediately....immediately after it takes a month or two for them to process the paperwork. But that's ok...Kaiser will still cover her, I will just have to pay out of pocket and they will reimburse me. Great, right? Kaiser says that they will cover me immediately...sure! Once they have the paperwork that they get from work that they need to process in about a month or two. Huh?!?!??!? EXACTLY! Vicious cycle- both say that they will cover her immediately---as soon as they have the paperwork processed. Immediately meaning paperwork that takes a month or two to process. Doesn't sound immediate to me and both sides see nothing wrong with the fact that it's a vicious cycle. One will cover the other immediately both waiting for the other to do something that takes over a month. I called Laura and Ibbie at work to see if they knew of any good pediatricians that I could just bring Keira to. While waiting for Laura to call me back after she was working on trying to get a name for me (thanks Laura!), I called Children's Hospital. Boy! They were so much more interested in helping me out with getting her into a doctor than Kaiser was. She even called Kaiser because she said that I should be able to get into there even if I paid for the visit and waited for reembursement. She called Kaiser and worked things out then got me back on the phone. She confirmed with Kaiser that they would get a medical record number for Keira immediately and that I could get an appointment scheduled for her today. What a relief! As soon as the lady from Kaiser said Yes, that she would help me and that I could make an appointment for Keira today, we excused the lady from Children's Hospital with much thanks for getting everything taken care of. As soon as she hung up, the lady from Kaiser's tune TOTALLY changed and now she was saying, Yes! She could give me a medical record number for Keira.....as soon as she gets the paperwork from my work HR department which would take about a month. AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! I can't even begin to tell you how frustrated I was at this point. I even started crying out of anger and frustration. I just wanted to get my daughter to a doctor! I checked my messages and got Laura's message with the doctor's name and number. I called and made an appointment for Keira on Monday for an examination and we actually also took her to urgent care today that Dan found just to make sure a small rash she had on her face was ok and nothing to worry about.
After the doctor's, we took her to have lunch (her first experience with Mac and Cheese), then for a walk at the Harbor. She's so funny and is trying SOOO hard to talk. She tries to copy everything that you say and sing. When we got home, she got a bath which she loves. She loves to splash around, kick and play with her rubber duckie. She's in bed now FINALLY....hopefully she will sleep through the night. Only time will tell. I don't have any new pictures and I PROMISE I will post more once we get more settled in!

The Journey Home...

As promised, here are the red couch pictures from yesterday! We had a very small group of 3 families, so we grabbed a couch and had Bea, Keira and Jessica all pose for the pictures. I think that it started with Keira having a rice cracker, then Bea wanted one, they were eating them, then Jessica wanted some of Keiras, so she grabbed some, then Keira grabbed some of Bea's and it was anarchy from that point on! We also took a couple of pictures of some of the other kids in the families along with the babies (Lily, Audrey and Jason). We went to the consulate yesterday to have our swearing in ceremony. Basically that is when they have us raise our right hand and swear that all of the information that we have given about the adoption is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I had to go to the restroom and immediately ran back to let the other girls and women in our group know that there were western toilets, so if they needed to go, they should go NOW! We all ran into the bathrooms. There have been a mix of regular western toilets that I know and love as well as the squatty pottys. They are basically porcelain like a western toilet, but pretty much just a hole in the ground that you squat over to go to the bathroom. Well we made it into Beijing late last night- almost midnight. At the airport Keira was so wound up she was bouncing around and going crazy. I was really worried that she would be going even more nuts on the plane. We stopped for a bite to eat at an airport restaurant and for the life of him, Dan just could not get them to cook his hamburger. There is rare and then there is raw. His was somewhere in between leaning more towards the raw. He had a really HORRIBLE stomach day yesterday where the room was even spinning for him, so he definitely didn't want to take any chance with what he ate or drank after he started to feel a little better! Finally after the 3rd attempt in the microwave, the burger was blazing hot and about as cooked as it was going to get (I'd say it was still medium rare believe it or not!) I learned something new at the airport! In the public bathrooms, people don't stand in line waiting for a stall, they just kind of push each other out of the way to pick a door to stand in front of and whether you got there first or got there last, it doesn't matter. All that matters is how fast the person already in the stall you picked pees! I left Keira with Dan to brave the bathroom when Keira started screaming for me....guess what she was screaming??? Mama over and over again! That was the first time she has ever really called me that. Whether she calls me that again for a long time, who knows, but it sure was nice to hear- especially considering that our guide told us that "Da!" which she was calling me already doesn't mean anything! :)

She was bouncing and screaming and going nuts from boredom when we were waiting for the plane and finally once we got inside she finally went to sleep! She thrashed around a few times in her sleep on the plane almost knocking my front teeth out, but all in all, thankfully we made it safely. Once the plane landed, everyone pushed and shoved their way out of the plane to get to waiting busses that took us to the baggage claim area. Candy was there (our original guide) and it was a relief to see a familiar face. Keira was pretty much out the whole night and woke up again the laughing, smiling angel that she is when she isn't being a little devil ;). We are waiting now to get back on a shuttle to take us to the airport for the trip home. It's so hard to believe that tomorrow at this time, we will be back home. It has been such an adventure being here and a new adventure will begin! Keira has adjusted pretty well and I'm so happy and feel so blessed that God has seen fit to give us a healthy, happy, beautiful little girl that we love so very much. Thank you to everyone for all of the comments, emails and for following along in our story to bring our baby girl home! We love and miss you all and can't wait to share this silly little girl with all of you so that she can make you laugh and smile as much as she does for us. See you all soon!

Disaster Avoided and a Red Couch

Hi All!

Daddy to the rescue! Dan was able to contact the homestudy agency at about 2:30am to get them to fax over an updated copy of the homestudy so that it specifically stated Keira's special need information. Needless to say, he's pretty tired!

It's been a busy morning with our guide arriving and running off to the consulate to get a visa so that we can leave.

It has become a tradition with families coming into Guangzhou to take a "red couch" picture. There are a couple of red couches in the lobbyway of the hotel and it has somehow become a tradition for the families to dress their babies up in traditional Chinese outfits and have a picture taken of their group on the red couches. We bought Keira a traditional outfit from Guiyang that she will wear, but it's WAAAY too big. I was going to go downstairs and buy a different outfit for her to wear that actually fits, but Dan just thought this was way too cute as big as it is on her, so it stays. It's the least Keira and I could do for him considering that he stayed up to take care of bringing her home. After this, we head back over to Beijing for the night and fly out to go home tomorrow morning! It's so hard to believe that we're finally going to be going home! Here is a picture of Keira trying to put on her shoes in her outfit...yes, it's definitely too big! I'll try to post the red couch pictures once we get to Beijing!

By the way... today is Auntie Lorraine's birthday (...at least there in California it is! Here it is the next day!) Keira wanted me to say a special happy birthday to Auntie Lorraine and she can't wait to meet you when we come home!